Introduction
Depression, Anxiety and mental illness- not words you would commonly associate with being a Christian. Medication and Psychiatry are also things you would not think a Christian or person of faith would ever have to deal with. Well I have news for you, unless you are living on Mars these are real issues and problems.
If it were not so I would not be writing this devotional / book on the issue. I tell you it really bothers me of the lack of understanding that Christians have on this subject.
From pastors to lay people they just don’t get it and often point their big self- righteous finger right at us as if we were some sub-human Christian failure. Yes I have heard it all as I am sure you have also. Christians shouldn’t have depression or anxiety, Christians shouldn’t ever go to a psychiatrist, Christians should not ever, ever, ever, need mediation. Or the all too common, “if you just had more faith”, or “just read this scripture and you will be well.” Jesus doesn’t want you depressed or worried. Jesus would never leave us in such a place of desperation . A Christian should never be thinking about suicide .
Dear friend in Christ, if you are reading this book for yourself or planning on giving it to a friend in this dark, seemingly hopeless place, well then you know this pain and have heard all these accusations. Makes me think of Job’s friends standing around him trying to figure out why God is beating so heavy on Job. Well I have some words for them and you… don’t be so quick to judge one if you have never walked a few inches in their shoes. Even as I am writing this introduction I am texting back and forth with a dear sister in Christ going through depression and anxiety, a wonderful woman in Christ yet struggling and feeling like less of a Christian because she cannot climb out of this hole.
I write this book for this very reason. I write it to open up the eyes of too many Christians who simply don’t understand. Who do not understand mental issues and the modern day stresses and struggles that we face. The simple fact is this: If God doesn’t want us to deal with or talk about mental illness in an open and frank way, then why is my counseling practice busting at the seams with two major areas; Christians who are dealing with depression and anxiety?
The very fact that this is reaching epidemic proportions is a clear enough sign that we need help. Help, not judgment .We need a new fresh dialog on what is going on and why so many of us are hurting. If Christians are thinking about suicide in increasing numbers then someone must stand up and scream- HELP and WHY! Someone must be willing to open up a too long hidden topic and cut away the cancer of lies and ignorance. Listen I am a pastor and a Christian counselor. I love the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul but I have and do struggle with depression and anxiety.
I have struggled with it all of my life but it only really came upon me full bore after I came to Christ. Now If I came to a saving knowledge of Christ and then I was dealt a stealth attack of desperation to the point that I was planning my own death- well that means one of two things. God is not real and a lie or God is real and very well alive but using my anxiety and depression as tools. Yes tools in the Master’s hands, tools of hope and new beginnings. So please dear suffering friend, do not listen to the lies from the enemy and even the lies from good friends who just don’t get it.
People who mean well but can never understand the pain and anguish that comes with this veiled blessing. With all of my heart I plead with you to take my challenge and go through this yearly devotional. Take the time to listen to something I feel you have never heard before in regards to this taboo topic. Please listen and do not let my “coming out” on this issue be wasted or fall on deaf ears. I promise you a never seen before honesty and freshness, an approach that very few have ever taken in this area.
I will share with brutal honesty my own story with all of its ugliness and darkest gloom. I will share my struggle with pride and shame and all that goes along with it, the days of wanting to give up, the days of being bed ridden and unable to even function as a human. The days when sin seemed appealing and getting back at God and all my friends would somehow show them how real this is. The tears that flowed until there were none left to shed, the days of planning my own suicide as I felt that it was my only escape from this torment and pain. When just getting up in the morning would send chills of fear down my spine and sleep was my only desire. Then the fear that set in when even sleep would not offer me the escape I so desired and longed for.
Oh of the days when I even pondered if God was even real and my whole life in Christ was a sham. The days I would either be curled up in the fetal position in my bed or when I would pace the floors crying out to God begging Him for deliverance. The days of asking Him; “Lord where are You, why must I suffer so?” The days of reading my Bible, going to sleep with scripture playing, and yet no comfort.
I tell you it is a pain like no other, a pain that was so tormenting that cancer or any other illness looked like a better way to go. In fact I would often beg the Lord to give me some illness so at least I had a reason or excuse to feel so helpless. See the problem with mental illness is it is just that, something inside that no one sees. How many times people would say-“you look fine to me”. Oh if they only knew and that’s just it, they never would know because it is truly a hidden torture of sorts.
Also through this book I will take you through my highs and lows, my struggles with taking medication, debating about seeing a doctor or psychiatrist, days when I had to beg the Lord- “please get me through this, I cannot do it alone.” We will talk about the depression in its various forms, and anxiety in its own demonstrative variations. Panic attacks and the hot flashes, cold sweats, the numbness of limbs, the shortness of breath, then the heart pains and palpitations. Oh this monster of (blessing) comes in so many forms, from mild to wild and everything in between.
Then we will discuss the annoying roller coaster of feeling good then crashing. The thoughts that would constantly haunt me - thoughts like “Will this ever go away, will I ever be normal again?” Of the anger and sadness of watching a person doing a simple act like watering flowers and wondering- “Will I ever be able to enjoy those simple things?” Yes depression makes you long for the simplest joys to be had again. Oh to walk along the beach and smell the fresh fragrance of April hope. Again friends and fellow sufferers, no one can ever know this pain less they endure it themselves. There is not an off or on switch as many would suggest to me; “Oh just be happy” they would say, “you have so much”, or “just relax God is in control”. I tell you there were times when those words would eat at me with a vengeance unbridled. I would often think or say- “Don’t you think I would turn off this pain if I could?”
Yes this monster of (blessing) is so dynamic in its execution and function, so varied and personal. I truly would not wish it on my worst enemy. So again please hold on dear friend, hold on till the end, the end of pain and the beginning of hope. Yes there will be slip ups and setbacks. Yes friends and family will not be of much help sometimes. Yes when medication is needed there will be mockers from our Christian circles. I promise you the truth, I promise you the real deal and real life down and dirty application. Friend I do not write this book for fame or fortune as most likely it will only bring me shame as my story goes public but I will fall on God’s Word where He says- He will lift up the humble. There is always risk in sharing a deep personal struggle with a sometimes impersonal and uncaring world. Like the risk I took when I wrote my first book Spiritual Living in a Sexual World and exposed myself of my secret sin of sexual addiction and pornography .Yet of risk there really is none in Christ as Christ is the only one that I need to deal with.
It is with Christ that all things pertaining to this life really have any meaning. Also I want to share with you what I will not being doing. See my first thought was to give you all the stats on depression and then go deep into the theological debate and scriptural take on emotional issues. Yes I will touch on them to some degree but in the end what we all want, what you want, are answers, real answers of hope and power and promise of a better tomorrow.
Well that is one thing I do promise you and not because my words have any meaning but because God says it is so. God will never leave us and God will never forsake us. Dear friend and child of God my hope is that you will hold on one moment longer. Hold on just another day more. Listen to my words and the words of many of my patients and their stories that I will share. Listen to the end game and how it all turns out. Listen for God’s still small voice telling us to reach just a little bit further for He is there. Listen to God’s voice telling you the truth about you, that He still loves you and knows every detail of your journey of faith. He is there, He is ever with you though He might seem so distant at times.
May your “trial of faith” be pleasing to Him, knowing that nothing that falls upon us is wasted and is all under the control of the Lover of our souls. He knows, He has a purpose and an outcome He wishes to achieve in you. As you might have noticed even through this brief introduction the wording- (Monster of Blessings, tool in the Master’s hand) I say these things because when you see what I want you to start seeing; that your own struggle is not a curse or punishment but a term of endearment. A gift, a tool and blessing so wonderful that it is only used on those the Lord has the most wonderful plans for.
Our struggle as you will find is actually a door to a place and walk with Christ like no other. A place of intimate purpose and a closeness to God like no other. So many of us cry to hear from God and see Him in the now, well I stand here today proclaiming that through this emotional pain and struggle that I have heard the voice of the Lord and met with Him in a very tangible way. He is real He is alive and He is working out our salvation in the daily affairs of men and women.
He is there and He knows and does not waste one moment of our pain. Are you ready? Are you fixed upon this painful yet glorious journey deep into the Master’s bosom? Please join me each day as we work through this blessed hope of emotional body building.
In Christ, fellow sufferer and child of God, S.R. Kraniak
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