True Confessions from a person dealing with extreme depression and Anxiety
These are the actual
Words from the Diary of a young lady in the grips of depression and anxiety and ready to take her life which recently she did.
Do any of these words sound like you ?
If so - please understand your not alone and God has help for you
Please contact me and lets try together to find the ladder that helps us climb out of this hole
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April 26
I’m back . I stayed home from school today. I woke up puking , what else is new ?
May 5
Well I’m leaving in about 5 min to go see Ron , my Psychologist. I don’t want to go, There is no point.
May 19
Things haven’t been so great. I stopped going to Ron. He wasn’t helping. No one can help because no one understands . I don’t know maybe I’m manic depressant , either that or I’m going insane- literally. I cant take it anymore and I wont much longer
May 23
I cant do this anymore. I don’t know what to do to help myself, to make myself happy. Even if I wasn’t happy - at least not so damn depressed all the time. I honestly think I have a problem. No one understands that this has been building up for so long and is so very hard to express
May 24
Today pretty much sucked . I cant seem to shake it off. 8:30pm - what the hell is wrong with me ? I am always worried, paranoid and upset . I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again. I hope so. I wish I knew what it was going to take
May 25th
I have been smoking for about two years now. Its getting really bad. It is literally the only escape I have though . Pot is the least of my worries . Its weird I’ve done so many drugs. I know I’m hurting myself. I think it’s a form of self -punishment . I’m beginning to lose allot of weight, this is bad
August 12
My whole life is falling apart . My parents found my pipe and my Visine. I don’t even feel like getting into it. I’ve been doing “E” its so bad for you , but I really don’t care . Six hours of happiness is a beautiful thing
Aug 11
2 Months ago I got pregnant . I waited a week until I got the guts up to tell my mom. I decided to get an abortion. I have been trying to get a job . No one understands how hard it is for me. I get extremely nervous around people. From the outside my depression has gotten a little better but still lingers within me. I am still unhealthy self-conscious
August 12
Well I woke up crying again. I feel nauseas, I’m going to lay down. See ya later
August 27
I woke up puking this morning . What else is new. I cant deal with His drinking anymore.
August 29
I cant deal with anything anymore. I cant deal with being sick everyday of my F…..king life. My Social anxiety holds me back from getting a job. I have no money
Sept 3
I am sick as a dog right now. I woke up at six throwing up. I applied for a receptionist job , I hope I get it. I really need to start making money
Sept 15
I just woke up . Its 7:30am. I woke up puking again. My mom thinks I’m doing drugs. I’m starting this antidepressant called Paxil. Why cant I just be happy without medicine
Sept 26
I really wish to be happy. I have a loot of problems. Problems that are hard for me to understand and deal with. I know things could be a lot worse but to me they’re already at their worst
Nov 7
Yesterday I went to Bath and Body Works for my orientation/interview. It had to have been one of the worst 60 minutes of my life. I was so incredibly nervous that I made myself sick. I literally had to hold down the vomit the entire time. I came home and puked and puked and puked some more. I didn’t stop till midnight. That’s when my parents took me to the hospital . I just want to be normal, healthy, and most of all happy .
Jan 1st
Last night was New Years eve. It sucked . I was depressed and crying all night . I cant even have fun and enjoy myself anymore. I have to get a job so badly. I just wished I wasn’t the way I am some times. In fact I absolutely hate myself. I cant live like this. God sometimes I just wished I could be someone else. I feel like I have been cursed .
Jan 9
I’m really hoping everything works out. I need a job. No one understands how it is and what its like. I just want to be happy. God please help me. I want to feel and act normal like everyone else. There has got to be light at the end of this tunnel
June 20th
Well things aren’t getting any better . Mt life seems like it will never go anywhere . I wish God would help me. If anyone knows exactly how I feel and what I go through each day its Him. You know its not easy living this way. Sometimes I want to die. I wish I were normal like everyone else. The depression and anxiety has taken over my life. I cant get a job and I’m afraid to go to school. God I’m begging you please help. I feel like my life is never going anywhere unless there is pain and suffering involved. My friend R… committed suicide 4 days ago. He put a rifle under his chin. God bless his soul.
December 27
Haven’t written in a while, my life still sucks. J. now has a new girlfriend. She has a kid . I hate her. I hate my life. I am so miserable on the inside. I am so pathogenic. I never thought my life would turn out like this. I really don’t have anyone except my mother. I always pictured my life to be different. I look back at pictures , and how I was a happy child. It almost seems surreal.
April 4th a new year
All I want to do is be happy. I don’t think that is too much to ask. - I almost have everything I need , why cant I just be happy. A clear mind, a clear soul. Wake up in the morning and be happy for my life and grateful for everything. But its not like that. I wake up and its like F---k another day. Life sucks. People don’t understand what its like to actually be unhappy and depressed almost all the time. Do I ever get a break? I ask myself . One day without stress or bodily pain.
Nothing ever ceases to escape my mind. I see all. I hear all and sometimes even feel as if I know all. Its such a horrible feeling when you know your abilities, know what your capable of and cant do anything with it. I feel almost caged in, tied up. I am not able to do the things I wish to. Why me ? As a Child I was not right..
My life has become one big effort to avoid it. Sounds weird but makes a lot of sense. Perfect sense. I don’t need medication or a doctor, I need a miracle. Actually just a break. Maybe a little push. They say what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger, Maybe true. I feel like I am dying emotionally and physically . I am my own best friend. Only I understand myself;. Only I am there to comfort myself and tell me that its going to be ok, its not that bad.
September 12th another new year
I am so wore out, from the crying, the anxiety. It really takes a lot out of me. If I wasn’t so f…ked up in the head I would be able to have a job and get a new car. My life is always put on hold because of my screwed up mind and body. I wish I had the ability to go to school and hold a job like everyone else does. These are normal things that I watch everyone else around me do. It kills me something’s as simple as that. I’m sick of crying every dam day of my life.
I know I’m going to die young. I actually wouldn’t mind going now. I know that sounds ungrateful but what the hells the point. 7 Years of pure sadness, depression and anxiety. Everyday it never fails. People don’t realize the extent of my sickness. No one would ever know unless they were able to enter my mind. I cant live like this, feeling inferior , hopeless, etc. I honestly think I would be better off dead. There is no logic to my life. I shouldn’t have to go thought this. My bodies ready to shut down I cant take no more.
Sept 21
I’m so embarrasses , so ashamed . I feel as if I have to explain myself. Its not my fault- this isn’t my choice. Dam who is stupid enough in the first place to want to live like this. I’ve literally been at the end of my rope for way way too long. - people don’t really understand when your at the point of hopelessness and despair and you feel like you cant be helped. I cant sit down and talk to anyone heck where do I even start ?
Jan 3rd another year
I just called the doctor to make an appointment and to refill my prescription. It took me about a week to call. What people don’t understand is that I want help so so badly. Unfortunately people with OCD tend to be very impatient people. I have an unrealistic way of thinking. I tend to have out of this world expectations and catastrophic thoughts . I willing admit that I need help and medication. My mind is so unpredictable that it is scary . On a daily basis my mind is like a shopping mall packed with people except those people are my thoughts . One minute I’m thinking about something, anything and within minutes even seconds I will be thinking about something completely horrible and get upset. It is hard for me to get the thought or image out of my head. The part that scares me the most is that I am at times completely oblivious to the extreme drifting of my thoughts . Something literally takes over my mind. Sometimes I find myself literally shaking my head to get the thought off my head .
People
These are the true words of a young woman who suffered for many years. She ended up taking her life and ending the fight. Yet I don’t want her death and struggle to be wasted. If you are suffering with any thoughts like these. If you see yourself in anyway in this young woman’s mind then please know its not the end. You can get help but you need to take the time to find the right person to listen to you and dissect your particular situation. Now I cant help everyone out there though I wish I could. Please cry out to God in prayer and then seek help. If I can help I will try myself but being that this BLOG and my books are going all over the world I cant answer all but I will try. Please dear friend don’t give up don’t listen to the voices in your head but listen to the voice of truth. Jesus Christ
Ps S. R. Kraniak Th.B, M.M.C.C.
But even more a fellow sufferer.
Email me at - depressionanxietygod@gmail.com
Keep looking for my 2 book set coming out hopefully at the end of 2014.
Depression, Anxiety and the Child of God.
Together with one voice and God guiding us we need to get this message out - the message that millions of people are living a nightmare and no one understands it. Lets let this dear persons story be the last one to give up and the first one to really be heard. It is my goal as a Counselor, fellow sufferer , and Author to get this taboo of mental illness out from under the covers of shame. No one should have to live like this- people, if you know someone like this and don’t understand well maybe this true testimony will open up yours and many others eyes..
