A small sample of - Chapter 7
Friends, family, and spiritual counselors - A trinity of ignorance?
Psalm 1:1 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.”
How can so many people that mean so well and care so much about me be so far off when they try to counsel and comfort me? I remember my first bout with depression and anxiety. I was a deacon in my church and really active. Suddenly out of the blue I am hit with this sledge hammer of emotional pain. In the beginning I tried to just work through it and keep it from family and friends and certainly from my church family. When it became to be unbearable, I had to let my family know. They all surrounded me with love and compassion, yet for the most part they had zero knowledge of anything like this. If I had the flu they would bring me hot soup, if recovering from a broken leg they might come over and help me around the house, but of emotional trauma they were clueless.
My wife was the greatest help, but even there we were entering uncharted waters. It also became a very private thing and one we kept hush, hush. There is no other way to look at it but that we were ashamed and embarrassed. Yes it was prideful and we were in sin, but we couldn’t help this feeling that this issue is not allowed or expected in a Christian. As time went on, I became worse and we were at a loss. Since there was no real help in the Christian world we had to dabble in the secular world.
I went from counselor to counselor. One lady that I saw had me talking about sex and my relationship with my mother as a child. I would leave there and wonder what any of that had to do with my depression issues. There was no prayer, no talking about God, no scriptures. Even the so called “Christian Counselors” that I went to, did not mention God or scriptures for the most part. They just put a fish symbol on their business card and called themselves Christian. By the way it was through those days that the Lord spoke to my heart about the need for a True Christian Counseling body. After things got better I began going to school and earned my Masters in Christian Counseling. But back to my search for help, it came time that I had to let more people know about my problem.
This happened against my will one Sunday when I was down in the nursery hiding because I couldn’t stop crying. Some lady from Church saw me and knew something was wrong. Before I knew it the secret was out and honestly I didn’t care anymore. I was tired of hiding and to some degree it was a relief to let my guard down. Now it was ok for awhile, but then when word got out, the cards and letters started coming in. People sent me so many books on my issues, but all were secular. I received wonderful uplifting cards and letters and even got a visit by a few Elders and the Pastor.
People sent me cassette study programs on how to beat anxiety and depression which by the way only made me worse. People would pray over me and for me and I would cry. Gee I cried a lot and just complained to everyone that came. Going back to church every Sunday was hard, because now I had to face the greeting line of people asking me the same questions over and over again. “How are you feeling are you better, I am praying for you, and what can I do for you?”
After awhile it was down right humiliating and I became angry and annoyed of the constant questionings. Then came the next phase, the phase when people get tired of asking and the visits become less and less. It is one thing to be sick for a few weeks, but when a year goes by and I am still not well, people begin to talk. People do what sinners do; they begin to speculate and gossip. “Maybe Scott is involved in some sin, maybe the Lord is punishing him, and maybe he is never going to be ok and will have to be placed in the hospital.” It then becomes, poor Scott, and worse, maybe he is just faking it to get attention. Of dumb things to say to a person suffering from emotional issues here are a few that I would get, “Just snap out of it, be happy, you have so much, Jesus loves you and has a wonderful plan for you, just be happy. Just try to see the good in life, just try to be happy”.
I tell you I would become secretly enraged at some of those comments and after that season was past I just started lying. “I’m fine, doing good, don’t worry about me, I’m trusting in the Lord”. But dear friend I was not getting better, but instead I was slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness. I just couldn’t go on any longer as everyday and week and month become something to dread.
The point that I make is this, no one really knew what to do because the Church is not equipped for this. As to medication it was unheard of and foolish to even consider. Counselor after counselor, phone conversations with dear brothers and sisters in Christ, reading my Bible, devotions, and praying, it all did nothing for me. I was dying and I knew I was and on one January day with tears in my eyes and gun in my hand I tried to make one last phone call to my Pastor but for some reason I couldn’t reach him.
I couldn’t reach anyone, and so I drove and drove crying and planning out how this would all go down. That morning I lied to my wife and told her I had a meeting with the Pastor and instead slipped a note into her pocket book saying goodbye and ................ TO READ THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER - stay tuned and pre- order the book
