I see you. Do you see me

 I see you.  I see you making disgusted looks in my direction when I walk in the room.  I see you covering your mouth as you lean in towards your friend, laughing as you make eye contact with me.  I see you as you make assumptions about me.  I see you judging me from your high horse.  Yes, I do see you.

You don’t see me.  You don’t see that no matter how hard you judge me, my own self judgement is 100x worse.  You don’t see that I know I am ugly, even hideous and frightening to look at and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  You don’t know that it is a struggle every day to see myself in the mirror.  You don’t see that I cannot believe the bathroom scale and I am convinced that I am at least 400lbs.  You don’t see that every comment, every snicker, every whisper, every laugh and every look of disgust adds to my belief that I am the most hideous looking person on the planet.  

You don’t see the real me.  You don’t see my struggle to go outside because I know you are judging me based on my looks.  You don’t see my anxiety when I am forced to talk to you, knowing that you are grossed out by me.  You don’t see me crying myself to sleep at night when your actions and words kill my self worth a little more each time.  

What you also don’t see is that I would still do anything for you, knowing full well you wouldn’t care or appreciate it.  You don’t see that I would do anything for your safety or comfort before my own.  

I see you.  Even though you laugh, gossip and make faces of disgust, you still do not see me.