Depression - NO ONE KNOWS what we go through !
Welcome to Part 2 of our study in torment beyond torment. Today we will be talking about Anxieties evil twin - Depression.
You know I have battled within myself to decide what I hate more- depression or anxiety but it always seems that whatever I’m going through at the present time it what I hate the most. I know that is foolish but they both are so painful that getting rid of one for the other seems like the best option at the time. As of Depression - Oh dear lord NO ONE truly knows what this is to live with. No we are not talking about a bad day, not getting what you wanted for Christmas. Not getting that raise. Rain on your wedding day. No its not loosing your credit cards or Cell phone. Its not even being broke, alone, hungry, and cold -for even with those you can still have peace without this pain. Its also not a phone call of bad news. Its not even the loss of a loved one that brings it on or is comparable. No we are talking clinical depression where something snaps or breaks within your mind. When the synapses are not connecting and the chemical balance in your mind is no longer functioning properly. it’s a feeling of total despair, no hope, no joy, and a pain deep deep down inside your heart and soul that makes you want to break out in tears and sometimes you do. Its laying in bed in the fetal position and not wanting to face anyone or anything. Its not wanting anything that you use to want. Not sex, fun, new things, new clothes , new cars. Someone could hand you a million dollars and it would means nothing to you. Its wanting to just sleep as long as you can and never wake up. Your bed and bedroom become your best friend and your sleep becomes your drug. You dread waking up and facing the new day and you long for night so you have an excuse to sleep again. Its not showering anymore or caring how you look simply because you just don’t care. Its crying so much that your sheets and pillow are constantly damp. Its having only one thought in mind and one thought only- how do I kill myself and get out of this pain ? Suicide becomes your only passion and thinking of how many ways you could do it. You think about how people would feel when then find you dead. You go back and forth about the pain you would leave to your family and it scares you. Then you think about God and the after life and wonder what would happen after I killed myself. What if there is a Hell and I wake up there ? You cant eat, move, function ,but simply exist and do as little as you must to get by. Its being out and seeing other people walking, laughing, playing with a dog, picking flowers and that makes you even more depressed because it reminds you how you cant even enjoy those simple things. Its ugly dark and another type of torment. You wish it would just go away and pray to God over and over - LORD GOD if you are Real please help me. Anyone help me. it’s a sadness and heaviness that no one could ever imagine. No sunny day or Holiday party can change it but only seem to make it worse. I know because I have been there.
